by J.D. Oxblood

isabella

I know, I know, we’ve been bad little bloggers.  Between my out-of-country exploits in August and the proprietor’s impending nuptials, we’ve been a little slammed.  And my “Back to School” story is SO late my editor is threatening to dock my wages—which, being nonexistent, provides little leverage as threat.  So consider this notice:  We’re coming back, and we’re coming back in force.  Brace yourself for the New York Burlesque Festival.  And before I rave over Isabella, one WAY belated thanks—Brian Newman, for having us at Duane Park to celebrate the bachelor party.  Brian, you got class you ain’t even used yet.  Thanks a million for taking care of us—that was a night to remember.  (Too bad none of us do.)

So last night I went down to Tribeca to see the lovely, luscious, internet-lascivious Isabella Rosellini.  I’ve been in love with her for 20 years, natch, so the chance to see her in person was a draw in and of itself.  And yeah, she still looks fantastic.  But her latest claim to fame—as if being Ingrid Bergman’s daughter wasn’t enough, or as if anyone could ever forget that scene in “Blue Velvet”—is the runaway internet hit “Green Porno,” now a book, complete with DVD of all the episodes so far.  As Is put is so candidly, the internet has no business model, no way for the artists to get paid, “no way to bring the money back.”  Seeing how the Redford rubles (Sundance) only foots the production bill, releasing a book is a way for everyone to cash in.  And here I am in Tribeca watching “Green Porno” with a bunch of strangers.

She gave an intro, we watched some clips, we giggled; she took questions, the moderator-Nazi made sure everything started and ended exactly on time, and upon leaving the Barnes & Noble I thought that I was in a shopping mall in the Midwest somewhere—really, that joint don’t feel like no Tribeca I know.  But rather than douche-i-fy I’ll keep this breezy with the best quotes from Isabella, her process and her overall cuteness.

Isabella pronounces “Sundance” as “San-dance.”  Irresistible.

This all started when she was 14 and got a copy of “King Solomon’s Ring: New Light on Animals’ Ways” by Konrad Lorenz.  She loved animals, and always figured she’d become a film director—dig her lineage—so thought it would be great to make movies about animals.  The model/movie star thing got in the way.  But, “as an actress and a model there is less work as you age,” so she’s finally getting to it now.

The idea came from thinking that there’s “green” everything else, but no green porno.  It seems so obvious when you put it that way.

“Animals mate in incredible and scandalous ways.”

Fist she picks an animal, which must be familiar to people, then she finds a joke about it, then an idea for a paper costume, then a storyboard.  It’s worth noting that she imagines specifically for the people she wants to collaborate with.

She wanted the shorts to look “naïve, simple, made in your basement,” yet better than the average crap on the internet.  On the internet there is  “occasionally something funny, but always a lot of junk.”

She has gotten some negative feedback on the show, but only because of the use of the word “porno,” as some find it “too frightening.”  She admits, with a giggle, that without the name she would have never gotten 5 million hits.

“Teenagers like anything about sex.”

Her next project will be on animals’ courtship, called   “Sexual Selection.”

Isabella wanted to do a piece on the seahorse, because the male becomes pregnant and “shoots out the babies like a cannon,” but found it so beautiful in nature documentaries that she didn’t think she could “do anything more charming.”  Her use of the word “charming” absolutely gave J.D. shivers.

As did her story of the female whale swimming around upside down, peering at her potential suitors underwater, with her enormous “vagina at the surface.”  Hearing Isabella, in person, say the word “vagina,” has forever altered my perception of a word I had hitherto considered overtly clinical.  Ah… vagina.

Isabella’s closing statement before being cut off by the moderator, on the topic of offending her sister by her treatment of their father on film:  “Family is family.”

Kiss kiss,

JDX

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