Chapter 3:
Sunday, 9/21: The Golden Pastie Awards Show at SOB’s
By J.D. Oxblood

Photos by DJ 13

Helen Pontani, Angie Pontani, Jen Gapay

Helen Pontani, Angie Pontani, Jen Gapay

Needless to say (but I’m gonna say it anyway), I stayed up till 7 in the freaking morning with miscreants and derelicts, and Sunday had a hangover the size of Wisconsin and could. Not. Believe that I was going to look at more T&A. Is there no limit to what a man can endure? Someone has to do it, folks, and that man is me.

The single greatest thing about Sunday’s Golden Pastie Awards was that the audience was full of performers. All the great, hot, sexy women that I’d been drooling over all weekend were there, in the crowd, with the scumbag likes of me. What’s hotter than watching hot women with a bunch of hot women?

Big Apple Burlesque tore down the house, with Broadway Brassy singing the shit out of “Fortunate Son” as Crème Brulee, Honey Birdette, and Ruby Valentine took their clothes off and shimmied like mad. The rest of the evening was basically three events intercut: the awards, the performers, and Queen Diva Miss Astrid mugging. She had prepared video segments, first dressed as Prince mauling a honey, then being asked by Lil Miss Lixx, “Tell me a story,” to which Astrid countered, “Get in here and take your pants off.” A later video had Lixx under the covers and Astrid remarking on how she got her name. In live action, Astrid ripped off *BOB*’s martini act, blowing it hysterically, and ripping off Angie Pontani’s oyster act. But enough about Astrid; she had me at “Aren’t you sick of it? It’s Sunday.”

The best thing about winning a Golden Pastie is you also get a cupcake, and we get to watch half-naked girls eat said cupcake. Oh, I wish I were a cupcake. (See previous post for a full list of winners.) Jo Boobs makes out with Legs Malone and everyone else on stage; Anita Cookie says, “I’m drunk,” of course; Tigger! makes out with Legs, drops his pants, jumps around the stage flopping that ding ding. Gigi LaFemmewins booty shaker and gives us a demonstration, and Helen Pontani is totally robbed for Best Dressed. After winning for Biggest Media Whore, Angie said “I’m so glad Murray can’t be here to share this with me.” And the Go Gay award launched a massive make-out party. And… I know it’s old news, but…Dirty Martini wins for Best Body. I… can’t… too many jokes… bottlenecking… I feel like I did when Dick Cheney shot that old man in the face.

The ExHOTic Other

The ExHOTic Other

As for the performers… Vanity Flair, from Los Angeles, did a watermelon act; Exhotic Other did a dragon-inspired piece complete with her body painted as one, tits for eyes, natch; Nice Jewish Girls Gone Bad sang “Eat My Hamentashen,” which is a cookie that looks like a pussy if you squint and are a pervert; New Orleans’ Spooky Le Strange did gothic; Armitage Shanks, an older, male carnival barker, led the crowd in a rendition of “Pink Elephants;” Duchess Duboise and Georgette Gorgeous did an Abbott & Costello-y take on strip tease, with one glamorous and the other an idiot; Dame Cuchifrita tried to bring Jimi Hendrix back from the dead and proved, once again, that she’s so crazy hot she can do pretty much whatever she wants; Hot Toddy did a boy-lesque balloon act; Jezebel Express did an insect act—winged bugs are hot?—and I can’t remember the last time I saw that much cottage cheese so far from the dairy aisle. Was that mean? Too bitchy? Snap! Girl, you can totally move and I’ll give you that. Don a nurse’s outfit and I’ll be all there.


Toronto’s Tanya Cheex had an extra pair of legs under her dress and did a little marionette show with them; Chicava Honeychild gave us some more Prince; Anita Cookie did her “Purrhaps”—it never gets old, gorgeous, and I want a private show; Darlinda Just Darlinda closed it out with “You Make Me So Very Happy,” and everyone joined her onstage naked. It was a big flesh fest and more tantalizing than the trot-out at a whore house.

Two acts I left out as they require special attention. The Birdman, from Australia, is a tall, skinny kid in a skinny tie and a faux hawk, who did an exceptional juggling act with three plastic bags. He juggled, then did a few moves from Riverdance, then juggled some more. As the Irish ditty sped up, he balanced an umbrella on his chin, then a chair. At this point the crowd was getting heated, so he started taking his clothes off, finally stripping down to his tighty whiteys and balancing the microphone stand on his chin. And the crowd went apeshit—standing ovation. A full roster of hot, naked women and it only takes one man to bring the house to its knees.

And last, but never least, Helen Pontani, who did such an amazing tap dance with her ripped figure that I honestly had to slap myself in the face. Repeatedly. Who else can incinerate a room without even taking her top off? Marry me.

If I could give out my own Golden Wastie awards, which come with a marijuana brownie:

Best body: Angie Pontani
Best gams: Gigi LaFemme
Best all-around: Helen Pontani
Best gogo girl who really deserves her own spotlight: Madame Rosebud
Best out-of-town act that should move to New York: Tie: Trixie Little & the Evil Hate Monkey / Mimi First / Amelia Wood
Most likely to have a threesome with me & another hot brunette in October, 2008: Anita Cookie

Kiss kiss,

J. D.’s video: