Ok, so this is ridiculously late, but I had a friend in town and then a job interview, so sue me. So let’s get down to it. First of all, please note that it is super hard for me to report on the RNC objectively, what with all the Christian fundamentalist war-mongering and all. That tends to push my buttons, ya know? My dad lives in Nashville and TN happens to be a big ol’ red state. He tells me horror stories about how sometimes his friends, while seemingly intelligent, thinking human beings, at times will correct him when he’s referring to archeological digs and/or scientific carbon dating. For you see, the earth, according to these zealots, is between 6-10,000 years old, which essentially puts humans, dinosaurs, trilobytes, and all that crap we studied in geology and biology in the same epoch. And they maintain that Noah couldn’t fit the dinosaurs on the Ark so that’s why they died out. Which all prompted me to create this design for a t-shirt (it’s copyrighted, so don’t even try it):

The Dinosaurs Killed Jesus

Anyway, what I am trying to say is religious fundamentalism is the bane of every country on the planet (Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan, Georgia — the state, not the country), as well as for many eras of the human struggle as well. Think the Crusades, the numerous jihads, etc*. So when people try to mix religious extremism with politics I get a li’l nervous. Anyway, with all that out of the way … on to the RNC!

So I hafta admit to ya’, I totally missed Laura Bush. She freaks me out. Like I know (for some strange reason) many of you cannot discern when someone has had plastic surgery, or multiple Botox and/or Restalyne injections and the like. Well I can. All these women and men with these procedures today stick out like neon under a glow light. They look crazy, distorted and plastic. Laura Bush is one of the craziest looking women on the planet to me. Her eyes have been stretched up to a 45 degree angle and all the fillers in her cheeks and lips just make me insane. How anyone can look at her and think she even remotely resembles a human being is beyond me. But beyond her physiognomy is her faith in her her former coke-snorting, oil-biz-bankrupting Presihusband. We gave BC so much shit for smoking pot??!!? Puh-lease. Everybody knew that Baby Bush was a former cokehead who had even manged to get a DUI/DWI in his home state**. Anyway, even though it shouldn’t matter I just can’t look at her crazy reconstructed cosmetic surgery nightmare face. And I hate her voice. So I missed what she had to say. Sorry! Let’s go to Cindy McCain:

“Nothing has made me happier or more fulfilled in my life than being a mother.” CM

So Cindy HAD TO start out her speech with a biology-affirming statement. That’s great! I would expect nothing more from a Cindy***. She went on to add this 1950’s-era gem:

“From the beginning of time, no matter how accomplished in other fields, women have always sought a husband with an eye to what kind of father that man would be.” CM

OMG again! Thanks for getting the word out that even today women need to rely upon men for their sense of accomplishment and self-worth. Because, no matter what successes we find, we’re really nothing without a man by our side (or behind us, ahem) to knock us up! That’s great, Cin! I feel so validated right now! Now I respect her work around the world, in orphanages and famine-stricken countries. She even adopted a child she encountered along the way. I am a HUGE fan of adoption. There are boatloads of children already out there in the world; why not adopt one and give them a good life? Adoption is a beautiful thing and there’s no denying that CM did a wonderful thing when she adopted their daughter Bridget. I will always respect Cindy and John McCain for that choice, but I cannot agree with their stated views. CM’s speech was dated and sad. Even though she said she was happy to have a “woman’s hand at the wheel”, meaning Sarah Palin, she looked and sounded so Stepford I was appalled. Her rhetoric just makes me vomit a little in my mouth.

On to Joe Lieberman!

“We meet tonight in the wake of a terrible storm that has hit the Gulf Coast but that hurts all of us, because we are all members of our larger American family. At times like this, we set aside all that divides us, and we come together to help our fellow citizens in need. What matters is certainly not whether we are Democrats or Republicans, but that we are all Americans. The truth is, it shouldn’t take a hurricane to bring us together like this.” JL

Funny, someone else started out his speech in much the same way:

Former actor, Fred Thompson!

“Tonight our thoughts are still with our friends and fellow citizens in the Gulf Coast area, and our thanks go to those who have worked so hard to keep them safe. There can be no more important work than this.” FT

Gosh, I’m sooooo glad you guys finally realized that loss of human life and devastation are things to be sad about! I mean, after you guys fucked up before, during, and after Katrina and all. I’m sure your sentiments mean a lot to those folks in LA! Thx Joe and Fred!!! I was sickened by how each of the speakers wanted to take a moment to achknowledge those affected by Hurricane Hanna. Katrina was the 2nd largest travesty of Baby Bush’s administration (right after the WAR, of course). To hear these guys sound like they truly care about the impoverished state of LA makes my skin crawl. I got the heebie-jeebies for days! Anyway, back to Fred’s speech.

“Listening to them [dems] you’d think that we were in the middle of a great depression; that we are down, disrespected and incapable of prevailing against challenges facing us.” FT

I read an article recently in New York magazine about the legacy of one of the richest Texas oil families. It’s caught up in litigation between the family, all scratchin’ and clawin’ to get the biggest chuck of the multi-billions. Anyway, way back when Baby Bush went to their thousand-odd foot estate to speak at one of their parties. He said “All Republicans should live like this.” The Republicans in this arena do not understand what’s going on across the country. They only know that they make the most money and they want to pay the least amount of taxes. Now on to his remarks on Sarah Palin:

“Let’s be clear … the selection of Governor Palin has the other side and their friends in the media in a state of panic. She is a courageous, successful, reformer, who is not afraid to take on the establishment. Sound like anyone else we know?” FT

No. Btw, loved you in Die Hard 2. Next!

Bill Frist:

"I'm proud to tell you that it was a Republican president and a
Republican- led Congress that launched our nation's historic initiative to
fight AIDS, malaria, and tuberculosis in the world's poorest countries -
the greatest global health commitment in history." BF

Oh yeah, Bill?  That's great news!  It was also a Republican President who DENIED THE VERY
EXISTENCE OF AIDS.  Good ol'Ronnie Reagan didn't even acknowledge the AIDS epidemic until a
speech in 1987.  Thank you for that lesson in revisionist history!  Why is it with the
Republicans I always feellike I'm in a chapter straight outta 1984 (the book, numbnuts)???
"Those who control the present control the past."

On to the star of the show...Sarah Palin!

"And in April, my husband Todd and I welcomed our littlest one into the
world, a perfectly beautiful baby boy named Trig. From the inside, no
family ever seems typical.  That's how it is with us. Our family has the same ups and downs as
any other ... the same challenges and the same joys. Sometimes even the greatest joys bring
challenge.  And children with special needs inspire a special love.  To the families of
special-needs children all across this country, I have a message: For years, you sought to make
America a more welcoming place for your sons and daughters.  I pledge to you that if we are
elected, you will have a friend and advocate in the White House." SP

Really Sarah?  Families with special needs children will have any ally in the White House?  Can
you please explain to me exactly how that works, since the Republican party is against spending
money on social programs?  I was floored by this statement, and America ate it up.  And don't
even get me started on the kid.  Now I know everyone's saying that it makes sense that the kid
has down syndrome because his mother is so old, but I thoroughly believe he is the product of
her eldest daughter who is now knocked up again (I call her PG Palin).  We have a very unkind
term in the South that I think may apply to this situation: redneck abortion.  Since everyone is
evangelical Baptist and afraid of going to hell for having an abortion, young daughters are often
sent away for a while to "visit relatives," while the mother eats all the Moon-pies she can
shovel down her gullet.  The elder mother is believed to be PG (or actively spreads the rumor
that she is).  Meanwhile, her daughter has the baby and returns after having lost a bit of the
baby weight.  The elder mother (who is, in fact, the grandmother) claims to be the mother of the
child and the daughter (who is, in fact, the mother), continues her crack-smoking,
oxycontin-taking ways.  No one is the wiser until, one day, somebody decides to tell
Junior and fuck up his life.  If you don't believe that this kind of thing occurs then check out
Jack Nicholson's bio.  I shit you not.  Anyway, even if SP is the mother of this child, there is
an even bigger elephant in the room: her pregnant 17-yr old daughter.  America is jumping up and
down for this poor girl.  She may be knocked up, but by God! She's getting married and doing the
right thing!  Let me be clear: I don't care who you are.  Having a child and getting married at
17 IS NEVER THE RIGHT THING TO DO.  This is not the Middle Ages.  We do not only live until our
30's.  We Americans have a right long lifespan of 60-80 years.  And you're going to condemn this
girl to a role of mindless breeding for the rest of her life????  I am saddened, appalled and
disappointed that the religious right cannot see the forest for the trees on this matter.  But
aside from all this, SP is a compelling figure.  She spoke well, and her accomplishments are
impressive.  She's just a little too much zealot for my blood.  Guns and God may be well and good
in AK, but I prefer brains and communication any day.  Oh, but just as an aside, her husband is
HOT!  I would totally vote for him (just kidding!).  

And last we have Senator John McCain:

"I’m not in the habit of breaking promises to my country and neither is
Governor Palin. And when we tell you we’re going to change Washington,
and stop leaving our country’s problems for some unluckier generation
to fix, you can count on it. We’ve got a record of doing just that, and
the strength, experience, judgment and backbone to keep our word to you." JM

I have nothing but good things to say about John McCain's past service to our country.  I will
never profess to understand the hell that he went through, not only for years of wartime service,
but also as a prisoner of war.  To survive those tribulations takes a strength of character
and endurance that many of us will (thankfully) never need to know.  But do not get me wrong:
John McCain has chosen to follow the path of the current administration economically and socially,
and his affinity for right-leaning religious conservatism is the nail in the coffin.  Look,
I know he's getting old and needs to make his peace with his maker.  But religion is a personal
matter that has no place in public political discourse.  Our founding fathers knew this, and
if it's good enough for them, it should still be good enough for us.  Baby Bush used 9/11 to
pass the Patriot Act, granting the office of President untold and an-accounted for power.  If
McCain truly were the maverick he claims to be he would condemn the Patriot Act as the piece
of bullshit oligarchical legislation it is.  

"Senator Obama thinks we can achieve energy independence without more
drilling and without more nuclear power. But Americans know better than
that. We must use all resources and develop all technologies necessary
to rescue our economy from the damage caused by rising oil prices and
to restore the health of our planet. It’s an ambitious plan, but
Americans are ambitious by nature, and we have faced greater
challenges. It’s time for us to show the world again how Americans lead." JM

John McCain and the Republicans only want to address the issues that face us right now, without
thought for the consequences their decisions will have on the environment.  I cannot in good
conscience elect someone with such shortness of forethought.  Bush II has sought to overturn
all of the environmental protections that Clinton established.  Blind Consumerism and
Commercialism have bankrupted the soul of America.  Do not forget Baby Bush's words after 9/11:
Go shopping!  Show the world that Americans are not affected by these terrible attacks on our
soil!  I am going to support the candidate who thinks about the long-term consequences to his
actions. I will no longer tolerate a President who starts an unprovoked war.  McCain says he
and SP will change Washington, but in all areas he supports the policies of the current
administration.  Where is the change he speaks of?  I started this piece with humor and I end
on a serious note.  This election may well tell the content of our national character.  I hope
we have more to use than greed, bellicosity, and fear.  I hope that true change sweeps through
Washington.  I am not too naive to think that a new administration will heal our nation's ills.
But I do think that a dramatic change will show the world that we are not the zealots we
condemn others for being.  Happy voting!

*Killing for Jesus was a great punk song. Circle Jerks.

All across the world
The holy armies on a tear
Ripping through the planet’s faiths
Population’s running scared
Christianity’s all around
Zealots they abound
I wanna blow them to pieces
Cause I…I’m

[Chorus:]
Killing For Jesus
Killing For Jesus

With god on my side
The holy armies gonna ride
Go on a rampage
To rape, plunder and pillage
Insanity’s everywhere
Must be something in the air
I wanna blow them to pieces
cause I…I’m

[Chorus]

I’m never bored
When I’m killing for the lord
Now I’ve seen the light
Hail Mary! I’ve got Jesus on my side!

Insanity’s everywhere
Must be something in the air
I wanna blow them to pieces
cause I…I’m

[Chorus]

**http://www.drunkdrivingdefense.com/consequences/bush-dui.htm

OMG. I know the South. Back then you pretty much had to be driving on the sidewalk to actually get a ticket. I knew people who got away with it all the time! It wasn’t until the late 80’s/early 90’s that they cracked down FOR REAL on DUI/DWI.

*** Ok, this is downright wrong, but I’ve got this thing about names being destinies, birthrights. And every Cindy I’ve ever known has been a blonde, cute, dumb breeder. I had a Cindy doll when I was little and even SHE perpetuated the steotype. You know how most Barbies’ legs moved front/back? Well hers were on a ball joint and she could do the Chinese splits (soooooo not PC). She was Whore Barbie.