King Michael Bloomberg I of Coney Island, Brighton, and Westphalia

CONEY ISLAND – Michael Bloomberg surprised residents of Coney Island today by declaring himself “King of Coney Island”. The move caught many political observers by surprise, both because the Mayor has never previously shown public interest in the more colorful aspects of Coney Island culture, and because he has never before shown interest monarchical powers.

At a press conference in Gracie Mansion the former Mayor, now King, told the people of Coney Island that he would be a benevolent dictator. His sole objective, he said, is to create a “monument to his eternal fame” in the former amusement district that would “outlive ye Pharaohs of olde.” “I realized that money isn’t everything,” said the billionaire business man and former Mayor of New York City. “What I want now is pyramid made of gold, with my face on it.”

The one hundred year plan outlined by King Bloomberg of Coney (as he referred to himself) includes digging a twenty-foot wide trench down Neptune Avenue to make Coney Island an island again, requiring all hotels built on the Island to be in the shape of a beloved cartoon character (no superheroes), imposing an “ink tax” on all residents and visitors to the island who do not have a tattoo, and the construction of a giant open air stadium called the Circus Maximus, dedicated to gladiatorial combat, burlesque extravaganzas, and karaoke night.

A source that wishes to remain anonymous said that the Mayor had a life changing experience in the summer of 2008 at the Mermaid Day Parade. Though she would not give exact details, the informant says the beginning of King Bloomberg’s change of heart involved perception enhancing chemicals, hours of dancing, and a piercing in an especially delicate area of his royal person. It has also been rumored that Bloomberg secretly attended Burning Man 2009, where he first resolved to become King of Coney Island.

Residents of Coney Island were skeptical that Bloomberg, who was not able to get a congestion tax for lower Manhattan passed, would be able to make Neptune Avenue a canal filled with singing gondoliers, or build an off-shore hotel like the Burj Dubai in the shape of Disney character Goofy’s head. “He’s all talk,” said Thad Blixman, a Bushwick resident who enjoys riding his “fixie” down to Coney Island in nice weather. “I mean, the guy couldn’t even keep a bike lane open on Bedford [Avenue in South Williamsburg]. How the hell is he going to convince the people at Ruby’s to become slave laborers to construct his stately pleasure dome?”

Not all residents were opposed to the unexpected change in the political landscape and their total loss of political freedom, however. “Whatever,” said Brandeis Charles on hearing the news. Ms. Charles, an eighteen-year-old from Minnesota who is currently “surfing” at her friend’s apartment on Brighton 3rd and Oceanview, said, “as long as he doesn’t tax the Cyclone, I don’t care.”

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